Matthew Said What?
(Printed in the Towanda Daily Review on April 15 and April 17, 1997. I don't know why it was printed twice. Maybe there is a God and He's on my side. Now I'd really be convinced of that if my next ten letters were somehow printed twice too.)

It has finally arrived once again at a courthouse near you -- the National Day of Prayer. Great throngs of the faithful will gather "in the corners of the streets" and ask the deity of choice for his guidance and protection.

I immediately picked up my Bible to refresh myself about its pronouncements on public spectacles of prayer. There in Matthew 6:6, it is written, "But thou, when thou prayest, enter into thy closet, and when thou hast shut thy door, pray to thy Father which is in secret."

Based on past participation, a great many people will probably attend regardless of Matthew. He probably didn't really mean what he wrote, so it seems like the ideal time for me to come out of the closet too.

In October 1994, I founded the Church of the Profit($), but it hasn't been very profitable. The main tenet of the Profit($) is Truth. See for details. Shortly thereafter, I was ordained by the Universal Life Church , and am legally the Reverend John L. Ferri. (For the record, the ULC will ordain anyone, and ULC ministers can also ordain. If you want to be ordained, contact me or the ULC.)

The gathering for the National Day of Prayer is an ideal opportunity for Reverend Ferri to read a few personally selected passages from the Bible, which will include Matthew 5:42, "Give to him that asketh thee," and Matthew 7:1, "Judge not, that ye be not judged."

My request to participate will be (or will have been) delivered to the county commissioners (Daily Review, 4/11, p3) who I'm certain will rule favorably in order to give equal representation to all religious beliefs. I expect my readings to take no longer than five minutes, followed by a request to honor Matthew 5:42 to make up for the murder of Matthew 6:6.

John L. Ferri

Reverend Ferri To Speak
(Sent to the Towanda Daily Review on April 26, 1997.) Editor: Editor:

I thank the County Commissioners for their efforts at scheduling the participants of the National Day of Prayer. As previously announced, the event will take place in front of the Bradford County Courthouse on May 1st. I am scheduled from noon until 12:15 and will represent the Church of the Profit($). As I understand, the event will continue until 12:45.

Reverend John L. Ferri
Church of the Profit($)

Click here for transcript of Rev. Ferri's presentation

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