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Paranormal Investigations -- and Cats
(Printed in the Towanda Daily Review on November 19, 2009.)
Interest in paranormal phenomena has always been high, not only because of the popularity of the current motion picture “Paranormal Activity”, but also because of previous offerings such as “The Blair Witch Project”, “Ghostbusters”, “Poltergeist”, and others in this genre. Whether the movies created the interest, or our innate interest in things unknown and scary popularized the movies is subject to debate. Regardless, interest is high enough to merit the creation of companies that specialize in paranormal investigations – worldwide and locally.
After reading the article, “Discussing the paranormal at the Bradford County Library,” in the Review (Nov 17) about the “haunted” Old Methodist Church in West Burlington Township, I decided to investigate my current 100-plus year old residence. I reviewed the web sites of several paranormal investigative companies to determine the expertise, education, equipment, and licensing needed for an investigation, and concluded that I qualified.
One recent evening, I assembled and set up my digital recorders (voice and video), digital cameras, EMF detectors, motion sensors, temperature sensors, computers, and other miscellaneous equipment. At midnight with the house completely dark, I heard a noise. I stepped forward and called out, “if anyone is there, make a noise.” Nothing. I stepped forward again -- and heard an ungodly screeching like nothing I’ve ever heard before. My wife said, “you idiot, you just stepped on the cat’s tail, and now he’s climbing the curtain.” I told her to go back to bed, and continued my search.
After the cat returned to the floor, and with the cameras set to infrared, ultra-violet, microwave, gamma ray, neutrino, and low-light mode, I detected an object floating near the bottom of the screen. It was spherical and fuzzy. I woke up my wife, and asked her to look at my discovery. She said, “you idiot, it’s a wad of cat hair.” I told her to go back to bed, and continued my search.
Determined to not fail yet again, I charged up the flux capacitor to 1.21 gigawatts -- and somehow managed to step on the cat’s tail again. I didn’t know this before, but for a brief instant, a cat with a stepped-on tail reaches an instantaneous velocity of 88 mph. When I told my wife that I couldn’t find the cat, she said, “you idiot, check the curtain.” No cat – anywhere – except perhaps on the curtain in 1955. I said that the cat would show up -- eventually. She went back to bed.
So if you need your house checked, call me, but only if you don’t have cats.
John L. Ferri