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A Liberal's Guide to Conservative-speak.
(Printed in the Towanda Daily Review on November 2, 2008.)


I would like to thank Duane Campbell for his conservative guide to liberal-speak in the Review on October 26. To facilitate a better dialog between conservatives and liberals, I've taken the liberty to present the lexicon below so that liberals can talk with conservatives (if they must.)

Voter Fraud - when a non-Republican voter, or someone who may be a non-Republican voter, attempts to register, vote, fill out any form, or breathe.

Voter Suppression - to prevent any group from voting if anyone in that group knows how to spell Democrat, liberal, or Constitution.

Freedom of Speech - a right guaranteed by the 1st amendment unless it differs from Republican dogma, in which case, personal attacks or warrantless harassment or arrest are in order.

Free Speech Zone - any soundproof area not near anyone conservative or Republican.

Unconstitutional - does not apply to the Bush administration.

Illegal - see unconstitutional. If an action may be illegal, a signing statement will remedy it, or the law can be ignored. This only applies to the Bush administration.

Demonstration - a 1st amendment right unless it opposes Republican dogma, in which case, the participants will be arrested, then -- a few days later -- quietly released.

Direct action - engaging the "Republican Noise Machine" to suppress any opposing views. Fox, O'Reilly, and Limbaugh can carry all of the water that is necessary.

Civil Disobedience - ignoring Congressional warrants. If there is a problem, a signing statement can be issued, executive privilege can be claimed, or any issues can be ignored.

Peaceful - any activity not forbidden by the Constitution (which doesn't apply to Republicans anyway.)

Non-violent - the approximate method used to arrest then later release any protestors opposing Republican dogma. Non-violence is optional.

Katrina - the hurricane where Brownie did "a heck of a job", even if he did have to resign after doing it. Besides, $80 billion is a lot less than the $800 billion for this darn financial mess.

Racism - the reason why Colin Powell endorsed Obama.

Woman - chattel (see Bible).

Independent - the branch of government that Dick Cheney is part of.

Corporation - the source of money for elections. See Business Tax.

Fascist - anyone who promotes regulating markets so that they are fair.

Oilman - members of the Independent branch of government along with Dick Cheney. Drill, baby, drill!

Rovian (after Karl Rove) - see Direct Action, or just ask John McCain about his illegitimate black child.

Evangelical - Republican base that loves hockey moms.

Working Family - the source of $800 billion and more. We break it, they fix it. We love working families.

Social Justice - take from the poor and give to the rich, like a bizarro Robin Hood.

Tax Cut - what we pretend to give to our source of money (see Working Family) for their votes. When necessary (and it is always necessary), we borrow and spend, you betcha'.

Business Tax - a tax on a business that can be returned as a subsidy to insure donations and loyalty, especially if the business is energy or defense related.

Political Discourse - no such thing. All of our ideas are preconceived; we prefer fantasy over reality; we always stay the course. We will, however, pretend to listen to other ideas, then recommend additional studies to stall.

Politics of Hate - Ask Scott McClellan, Colin Powell, Kathleen Parker, Christopher Buckley, and others. In all cases, as long as you're loyal, you don't have to be competent.

Extreme Right Wing - Sarah Palin

Anti-War - against any war unless the target has oil, doesn't have nuclear weapons, and we can make up a reason to attack.

Fourth Amendment - this needs additional study, but not until the Supreme Court gets more conservative judges -- probably not soon though.

Oppressed People - currently, the Republicans.

Victory - we win what we say we win -- Clear Skies, Mission Accomplished, Economy is sound, etc.

John L. Ferri

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