The Wookiee Rookie

by P.C.Shumway

“Welcome back folks. We are broadcasting live from the desert planet of Tatooine. It's been a beautiful 130-degree day and the suns are just setting. We are in the bottom of the ninth and the Jedi Mindtricks trail the Phantom Menaces three to five.”

“Tatooine native and right-hander, Anakin Skywalker is on the mound once again. Skywalker gave up a three run homer in the first inning to the Wookiee rookie but has pitched brilliantly for the last seven innings.”

“Behind the plate today is Jabba the Hutt calling balls and strikes. Jabba signals over to the Jedi dug-out for them to send out a batter soon or face agonizing deaths in the bowels of the Sarlacc.”

“First up for the Jedi is former Padawan learner Obi-Wan Kenobi who is two for three today with a single in the first and a ground-rule double in the third. Anakin delivers a fastball and Kenobi lines it to right. Watto the Toydarian flitters over and cuts off the ball to hold Obi-Wan to a single.”

“Next up is Jedi Master Qui-Gon Jinn. Qui-Gon as you may know was suspended for three weeks for midi-chlorian abuse. It restores balance, in this announcer’s opinion, that the use of the illegal substance will most likely keep the misguided Jedi out of the hall of fame.”

“Anakin delivers his next pitch, it’s another fastball, and Jinn hits a high fly ball to center field. Two-time gold-glover Darth Maul races back to the warning track. He jumps ten feet into the air and does a forward flip to make a spectacular catch to take out Qui-Gon.”

“Manager Yoda bounds out of the Jedi dug-out like a Nabooian jumping bean to argue with Jabba that Maul used the Dark Side of the Force to make the play. The Jedi Master kicks sand on the Hutt ump and jumps up and down on Jabba’s tail. The Hutt has had enough and ejects Yoda from the game. The Jedi Master will probably go into hiding now on a remote planet in the Dagobah system.”

“So with one man on base and one man out, Mace Windu steps up to the plate. Anakin fires an electrifying fastball high and tight to Windu’s face. Mace falls to the ground on his back to avoid getting zapped. Windu gets back up and stares down the pitcher. He rips off his smoking robe and tosses it aside. As Anakin delivers his 1-0 pitch, another fastball, Mace drops his bat and draws his light saber and hits the ball back to Skywalker. Anakin has to drop to the ground himself to avoid having his right arm taken off.”

“Jabba the Hutt calls Mace Windu out on a rules violation and so it is one man on with two outs here in the bottom of the ninth. The Jedi are now only one out from loosing this one to the Sith.”

“Queen Amidala of Naboo steps up to the plate and represents the tying run. She smiles at the pitcher as she takes off her flowing robe to reveal a skin-tight, all-white, translucent jumper. Anakin is successfully distracted and throws the next pitch over the backstop and hits Jar Jar Binks in the head. The Gungan falls to the floor and the crowd cheers. Jar Jar is helped back up to his feet by beer-men C-3PO and R2D2. Jar Jar looks dazed with his long tongue hanging out as he gives the thumbs-up sign. The scoreboard lights up with Jar Jar mouthing the words ‘Meesa Okay-Dookay’ and the crowd settles down.”

“Amidala steps back up to the plate and Anakin throws another fast ball and hits Padme squarely in the back. I don’t care what universe you’re from, that’s gotta hurt! All-star third baseman Viceroy Nute Gunray pumps his fist in satisfaction. As the Queen walks to first base she yells over to the pitcher, ‘Anakin, you’re breaking my heart!’ First baseman General Grievous opens his breast plate and exposes his heart to mock the Queen.”

“Skywalker’s control seems to be getting worse as the inning goes on. With two on and two out, and the winning run coming to the plate, young Skywalker must learn to control his feelings. The next batter for the Jedi is the Wookiee rookie, Chewbacca. As you know Chewy would have been sent up from the minors last year if he had not torn off all the limbs from the plate umpire because he didn’t like the strike three call.”

“Obi-Wan is on second base, taking a risky lead, and Amidala is on first. Anakin Skywalker gets the sign from catcher Count Dooku and turns and throws over to second base to the short-stop Sebulba. Obi-Wan makes it back just in time as a few Tusken Raiders in the stands above left field take a couple of shots to try to pick-off the Jedi base runner. It’s a good thing those Tuskens can’t hit the broad side of a Bantha.”

“The Wookiee rookie steps back into the batter’s box, raises his hairy arms and roars at the pitcher.”

“I have a bad feeling about this.”

“A dozen Jawas seated behind home plate all shout ‘Donteenee!’ in unison. Anakin delivers another fastball and Chewbacca hits a high hard line-drive to center field. Darth Maul jumps and spins in the air but is cut in half by the ball as it goes over the fence for a home run. The two halves of Darth Maul fall to the ground as the Jedi Mindtricks win six to five.”

“Darth Sidious, manager of the Phantom Menaces, comes out of the dug-out and argues with Jabba. Our sources on the ground tell us that he is protesting the game on the basis that Wookiees are illegal aliens and vows to send a letter of dissent to Senator Palpatine asking for an official Galactic law be passed and a very tall fence be constructed around the stadium. Some one should tell Sidious that the Ewok is out of the bag regarding him and the senator.

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