photo by Marcia Elwitt

WHO SAYS THESE SHOWBIZ BIGSHOTS CAN'T TAKE DIRECTION?

Where's Danny?
Busy celebrity Danny Tikitz was recently seen giving break-dancing instruction to pocket gophers in Grand Junction, Colorado.

photos by Lisa Prince (l) and Hilary Caws-Elwitt (r)

STAND-IN??

AUGUST, 2001 -- At this summer's Blueberry Festival in Montrose, you may have seen Manny -- but not Danny -- Tikitz. "Danny prefers not to work around blueberries," his brother explains. "He's temperamental, you know." But the show must go on, and Manny did what any other sensible entertainer would have done in the situation -- he rented a zucchini for the day. "Just for the day, you understand," Manny emphasizes. "After all, what do I need with a full-time live-in zucchini on a permanent basis?" Danny Tikitz was quick to deny rumors that the zucchini was anything more than a temporary replacement. "I'm sure that I will always be my brother's first choice for a business partner -- even though the zucchini takes a smaller cut than I do."

A classic Tikitz Moment:
The brothers were seen squabbling publicly over the ownership of an argyle sock they'd donated to the Susquehanna County Historical Society and Free Library Association's April, 2001 benefit auction. The disputed sock, handsomely displayed with a Tikitz Brothers autographed photo and authenticating documentation, sold for $30 to a woman seen earlier with Danny Tikitz.

DANNY: Mom's always been very supportive of our career.
MANNY: Oh, yeah. You know, she's President of the fan club.
DANNY: Yes. Of course . . . it's not our fan club.
MANNY: But still, she's behind us 100%. I think she might even make it to one of our shows someday.
DANNY: It's uncanny the way something always comes up. Like the time we were performing, and she had to get her bowling-ball dry-cleaned.
MANNY: Yeah -- for 3 nights running.
DANNY: Just one of those coincidences.
MANNY: Sure, you need your bowling ball dry-cleaned, you can't just run out on that.
DANNY: No, you have to be there.
MANNY: All three nights.
DANNY: Then remember the time Mom decided she was going to walk across America?
MANNY: Yeah, what a project! All the way across America. I guess it takes, like, a year.
DANNY: Then it turned out that we were appearing in America at that time.
MANNY: So Mom walked across Canada.
DANNY: Still, it's great that she gets out so much.
MANNY: Oh yeah, she makes it out a lot.
DANNY: Just not to our shows.

The world-famous Tikitz Brothers debuted in Montrose, Pennsylvania in January, 2001, hosting a concert sponsored by the Montrose Restoration Committee. Although the Tikitz Brothers were in top form, the event was nevertheless a huge success.

Letter to the Editor, Susquehanna County Independent, January 24, 2001:

I am just an ordinary citizen, and I've never written a Letter to the Editor before. Though my sister Aggie and my other friends will tell you that I am a pretty fair correspondent, I have thus far limited my letter-writing activities to the private sphere -- vacation postcards, thank-you notes with kittens on them, and the occasional double-sided piece of stationery. And while it's true that I was once Letters Editor at the New York Times, it was only briefly, and I never really wanted the job.

But I must now take pen in hand to voice my indignation that the Independent has shown such gross disregard for the stature of two entertainers who will be gracing us with their presence this coming Saturday, January 27th. I am referring, of course, to the Tikitz Brothers -- though not necessarily in that order. While the entire world, and parts of Upstate New York, know Danny and Manny Tikitz as world-class impresarios with connections to the most sought-after performers of our time(TM), your paper has chosen to give minimal publicity to these showbiz giants, and to focus instead on the musical acts whose great fortune it will be to have Manny and Danny present them on Saturday night.

I do hope that you will rectify this ghastly oversight before it is too late. An earth-shaking event like the appearance of the Tikitz Brothers in Montrose (Pennsylvania) is probably the most momentous news your paper has had the privilege to report in many a year. It will be a glorious moment in our local history, and I am only sorry that a previous appointment to purchase lentils in New Milford shall prevent me from personally attending.

Sincerely,
Mama Tikitz

DANNY: Don't start with me now, Manny.
MANNY: I shouldn't start with you now?
DANNY: No, please.
MANNY: Well, all right . . . . When do you think I should start with you? I'm thinking maybe Tuesday. No, wait, I'm busy that day. How about Wednesday? I've got a ten o'clock, but I could start with you at eleven. Have you got your book?
DANNY: Wednesday at eleven? No good. How about lunch?
MANNY: Yeah, that's fine. I can start with you over lunch.

Who Are the Tikitz Brothers?
[Excerpted from the Susquehanna County Independent, January 24, 2001.]

Internationally-renowned impresarios Danny and Manny Tikitz decided at an early age to work together as brothers, due to their shared interest in having the same parents. Rather than rely, as many would-be entertainers do, on developing actual talents, the young Tikitzes wisely opted to enter show business at the top, where their lack of talent would be less conspicuous.

Nevertheless, the early years involved some struggles, as Manny and Danny always find it a struggle to get up early. Soon, however, the brothers had made a name for themselves, and were able to spell it correctly when necessary. To date, these showbiz giants have amassed a staggering roster of world-class celebrity contacts whom they would enjoy meeting someday. The original copy of this list may be viewed in the Tikitz Brothers Museum and Coffee Bar (now open to the public by appointment), while photocopies of the list have recently sold on eBay for as much as "NO BIDS ENTERED".

If you would like the Tikitz Brothers to emcee your next variety show, business conference, picnic, or funeral, send a self-addressed stamped-envelope and a blank index card to your mother.