Q. Happy Monday!
A. Thanks. But you know, this is Wednesday. I'm fresh out of Mondays. I am expecting one in next week, though.
Q. Okay, cool. Will you hold it for me?
A. Sure -- but I can only hold it through Tuesday, okay?

Q: How did the rubber ducky, the rubber chicken, and the rubber snake pass the time last evening?
A: They played a rubber of bridge.
Q: But that's only 3 players.
A: So a rubber dummy sat in.

THOSE LITTLE TRANSPARENT 3-D BOXES WE ALL DRAW WHEN WE'RE DOODLING
Q: So why these 3-D boxes?
A (Psychologist): It expresses our desire to impose order on our universe.
A (Mathematician): The 3-D box is one of the only examples of absolute linear harmony, and thus attracts the mind.
A (UPS Worker): They're stable, sturdy, compact, and stackable.
A (Artist): The three-dimensional box is every amateur's moment of perfect aesthetic composition and flawless artistic perspective.
A (Literary Critic): Hey, that's good -- are you sure you're a painter and not a writer?
A (Artist): Thank you, I'm flattered. But really, in my opinion the psychologist was the most succint.
A (Psychologist): I thought the Mathematician was kind of sexy.

Q: What's black and white and green?
A: Ansel Adams eating a pickle.

Q. What's green and comes with a magnifying glass?
A. The Oxford English Gherkin.

Q. May I take this piece of fruit?
A. Persimmon granted.

Q. Why did the art buff wish to rummage through the filing cabinet at the photocopy center?
A. Because he wanted to view the old masters.

Q. And, after all, is not eating well what the culinary arts are all about?
A. Yes, it is.
Q. That was actually a rhetorical question. Aren't you supposed to be on break?

Q. How much does this clock run?
A. Twenty-four hours.

Q. Why is an urban legend like an aggressive volleyball player?
A. Because they're both all over the net.

Q. Did you hear about the orange course that was overenrolled?
A. Yeah, they had to add two more sections.

Q. What do you call complimentary french fries?
A. Potatoes au gratis.

Q. What do they serve at a comedian's banquet?
A. Chicken Alan King.

Q. Why did the temp turn down the offer of a permanent position?
A. Because she didn't think she'd look good with curly hair.

Q. Why did the model get a perm before visiting the library?
A. Because she wanted to curl up with a good book.

Q. What did one shadow-puppet say to the other?
A. Let's have a show of hands.

Q. What does an English dramatist use to lather his beard?
A. Shavian cream.

Q. When should I take my vacation?
A. [sotto voce] Hey -- what are you doing? We didn't rehearse this one. I don't do ad lib! [aloud] Uhh . . . you . . . should . . . take your vacation . . . in the . . . in the spring, because . . . because . . . uh . . . .

Q. Did you hear about the two musicians who fell in love during a waltz?
A. Yes -- they cut their working hours back to three-quarter time, and before you know it they had triplets.

Q. What kind of eye makeup should you wear off the coast of Africa?
A. Madagascara.

Q. How do you make a classical musician laugh?
A. Write "with laughter" in Italian on the score.
Q. How do you make him laugh harder?
A. Write "with soft laughter" in Italian on the score.

A. Knock knock.
Q. Who's there?
A. Objective case.
Q. Objective case who?
A. No, objective case whom.

Q. Why didn't the Atlantic connect to the Pacific?
A. Because of a miscanalculation.

Q. Who taught the Londoner how to ride a motorcycle down the thoroughfare?
A. A Harley street specialist.

Q. What do you call an urban elf?
A. A metrognome.

Q. What flowering plant is the favorite of the Everly Brothers?
A. The phildondendron.

Q. What did the mathematician say to .0001, when they met up in Phoenix?
A. You're a hot little number.

Q. Do we appear again on this page?
B. I hope not -- I already took off my costume.

Q: Have run out of material. Please send some ASAP.
A: Sorry, am all out of ASAP. (We use it up quickly.)